Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Functioning Under the Crush of Sorrow

I've been crying sporadically this week for no apparent reason.
Well, there is a reason. I've just been in denial over it. For two years now.

A couple is murdered and i sit at my desk and sob.
A fictional character dies and i have to take a break from reading so i can compose myself. That sort of thing. I'm usually much better at controlling myself.

I have the process of locking things up in tiny boxes inside and hiding those boxes in deep, dark corners down to a freakin' science. It's how i learned to cope with things in life that are impossible to handle.

It's not working this week. Possibly because it's the two year anniversary of my mother's passing. And i never really let myself cry. Just locked it all up and put it away so i could keep functioning.

Last weekend at a party a woman was bitching about her mother, complaining about how fussy she is and what a bother. I had to walk away to keep myself from grabbing her and shaking her to make her understand that someday, she won't have a mother. It's inevitable. It's coming.

I was told that the buried sorrow would eventually claw it's way to the surface and have to be dealt with. Yup. That was a truth. Now i have to function despite feeling like my heart and soul have been forcefully cracked open to free a river of tears that flows without regard to convenience. I was told it gets easier with time. That isn't true. Not this time. It gets worse.

I miss her. So much.
I wrap myself in her shawl and carry pieces of her jewelry with me to comfort myself, but there isn't any comfort to be found. I just have to wait i suppose, for the flood to ease so i can close the box lid again. Except maybe this time i won't push it into a dark corner and i won't lock it. This time i'll place it in a window sill where the sun can shine on the bright memories.

In the interim i'll function the best i can, trying to hide the sorrow.

11 comments:

  1. Feeling for you...

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    1. thank you darling. today... it's hard. fingers crossed i don't burst into tears in the middle of the networking luncheon i have to attend. :/

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  2. *big, tight, life-reaffirming hugs*

    G

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    1. curled up in your arms would be a wonderful place to be right now. thanks G <3

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  3. I needed to read this today. I lost my sister 6 years ago, and my father last year. I know it's coming with my mom, who is also my best friend and greatest ally in my life. I dread it so much. I do like you do and pack grief away and don't let it show. I know it's not healthy or good, but I don't think I have the emotional tools to work through it. You inspire me to try.

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  4. In time the pain of loss, is softened by memories of times and events that you thought lost, and hopefully those tears are transformed into smiles and laughter.

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    1. thanks John. Today is better than yesterday. that's something.

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  5. In time the pain of loss, is softened by memories of times and events that you thought lost, and hopefully those tears are transformed into smiles and laughter.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  6. thank you all so much. i attended a memorial dinner today to celebrate her memory and it was quite healing. we laughed instead of cried.

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