I've been crying sporadically this week for no apparent reason.
Well, there is a reason. I've just been in denial over it. For two years now.
A couple is murdered and i sit at my desk and sob.
A fictional character dies and i have to take a break from reading so i can compose myself. That sort of thing. I'm usually much better at controlling myself.
I have the process of locking things up in tiny boxes inside and hiding those boxes in deep, dark corners down to a freakin' science. It's how i learned to cope with things in life that are impossible to handle.
It's not working this week. Possibly because it's the two year anniversary of my mother's passing. And i never really let myself cry. Just locked it all up and put it away so i could keep functioning.
Last weekend at a party a woman was bitching about her mother, complaining about how fussy she is and what a bother. I had to walk away to keep myself from grabbing her and shaking her to make her understand that someday, she won't have a mother. It's inevitable. It's coming.
I was told that the buried sorrow would eventually claw it's way to the surface and have to be dealt with. Yup. That was a truth. Now i have to function despite feeling like my heart and soul have been forcefully cracked open to free a river of tears that flows without regard to convenience. I was told it gets easier with time. That isn't true. Not this time. It gets worse.
I miss her. So much.
I wrap myself in her shawl and carry pieces of her jewelry with me to comfort myself, but there isn't any comfort to be found. I just have to wait i suppose, for the flood to ease so i can close the box lid again. Except maybe this time i won't push it into a dark corner and i won't lock it. This time i'll place it in a window sill where the sun can shine on the bright memories.
In the interim i'll function the best i can, trying to hide the sorrow.
Feeling for you...
ReplyDeletethank you darling. today... it's hard. fingers crossed i don't burst into tears in the middle of the networking luncheon i have to attend. :/
Delete*big, tight, life-reaffirming hugs*
ReplyDeleteG
curled up in your arms would be a wonderful place to be right now. thanks G <3
DeleteI needed to read this today. I lost my sister 6 years ago, and my father last year. I know it's coming with my mom, who is also my best friend and greatest ally in my life. I dread it so much. I do like you do and pack grief away and don't let it show. I know it's not healthy or good, but I don't think I have the emotional tools to work through it. You inspire me to try.
ReplyDelete<3
DeleteIn time the pain of loss, is softened by memories of times and events that you thought lost, and hopefully those tears are transformed into smiles and laughter.
ReplyDeletethanks John. Today is better than yesterday. that's something.
DeleteIn time the pain of loss, is softened by memories of times and events that you thought lost, and hopefully those tears are transformed into smiles and laughter.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
Deletethank you all so much. i attended a memorial dinner today to celebrate her memory and it was quite healing. we laughed instead of cried.
ReplyDelete